We Interrupt This Study for a Meltdown From Our Sponsor...

I will be very honest with you faithful few that I am sitting here in tears while writing this. Why? Because once again, God has tenderly, yet forcefully, shown me that the path He has set before me is as unique and different as I am. (By the way, when trying to make yourself feel better, don't look up the synonyms for different or unique in a thesaurus. "Flaky, mental, nonstandard, odd", and "something else" were among my favorite...)

It's interesting that over the last few years as I have begun to develop a ministry, there have been a few ideas I have taken from others, but in general whenever I heard of a program or a semi-scripted resource, there has been the slightest warning in my spirit. Truly, I have nothing against all these things, it's just that the Lord has spoken to me again and again that my path is going to be different. So on I wade through unseen waters.

I do have my suspicions as to some of the reason why. I desperately want to please people. So much so that I tend to automatically become a chameleon and imitate whatever it is they do, how they speak, and frequently feed off of their ideas. I allow them to block out the sweet whispering of the Spirit's plans for my life. What they are doing isn't necessarily wrong, it's just wrong for me.

Here's the other kicker: He has planted within me the seeds of rebellion. No, I'm not talking anarchy. I've just never been one for liking or doing what everyone else is swayed to do. I don't like being a moo-cow, blindly lacking the free will to not follow the herd into the slaughter house. (Yes, I read Slaughterhouse Five one too many times, much to the indignation of my AP teacher.) I even remember in junior high deciding not to think Maxwell was the hottest guy ever since all the other girls did. The other option was Kevin. I love my man...

So here I have two opposite factions waring with in me. My desperate longing to belong is chastened by the desire to buck the system. How well Paul described this phenomenon in Romans 7:15-25! He begins in verse 15 saying, "I do not understand what I am doing..." Amen to that! How many times have you just said or done something that a moment later you have to ask yourself, "What just happened?!?"

Today's little tirade began as I found an amazing opportunity at the She Speaks Conference to be held in Concord, NC later this summer. It's one of those moments that when the Session Descriptions was clicked, I felt like they had downloaded the wish list from my brain. I was SO excited! Then I looked at the cost- I was SO overwhelmed. Ouch! "But," I thought, "God will provide a way if it's to be!" Low and behold, they were having a contest to give away 3 tickets! ...and I was 6 days late in meeting the deadline. Rats.

Then I did what I knew I shouldn't. I looked at the blogs of those wonderfully gifted women who had entered. I will be honest with you that I don't read many other peoples blogs because I feel the Lord has warned me not to for now. I know that sounds odd, but I always felt it was because He knew I would either try and imitate them or get discouraged that I just couldn't match their skills and creativity. I felt pathetic.

Strike one.

Next, I decided to look at some of what the conference was about. Ironically, one of the first things I read was in the FAQ section, "How should I dress for the conference?" Ugh. I know most of you won't believe this, but I like to dress up. There are just several things that prevent me from it: Health, finances, and God. He has very specifically told me to focus on the real, down-to-earth, everyday girl. Look around at my generation and below. They have changed, and there don't seem to be many in the church who cater to them. I don't feel comfortable doing that in high heels and perfect make-up. The suggestion for the conference was business-casual with occasions where professional dress was expected.

Strike two.

Oh, by the way? Meals were included in the cost.

Strike three.

I felt God shaking me. "Tiffany, this isn't your path. I know it makes sense. But how often do I do that? Remember, My ways are not your ways, and aren't you glad My thoughts are not like your thoughts?"

Yea, God. I really am, but this is going to be hard and confusing.

At least I have the Instruction Book.